Bad Jokes

[UBIK]

ok, i put one in a recent thread on necromancy, and here is anouther really dumb one,

two child molesters are on a beach, and one says "Hey get out of my sun"

haha bad pun, hmm... now i need to think of some more

[Wrentia]

babies and blenders jokes....You will experience the full brunt of My anger.

-Wrentia

[Su'ulMorda]

Sounds messy.

[BelDragos]

Better mop up before Wrentia comes back UBIK.

[Rend]

Here one my roomate tells all the ladies.

(said in french accent)
One night Piere the french fighter pilot was entertaining a young woman. He starts kissing her a passionately and unbuttons her blouse. Quickly he grabs a bottle of white wine, pours it on her chest and starts licking it off. The woman says" What are you doing?!" Piere says "I am Piere the french fighter pilot and when i eat white meat I have white wine." Passion ensues again a Piere move lower to her thigh. He grabs a bottle of red wine, pour it on her hips and licks it off. the woman says " What are you doing now?!" Piere says" I am Piere the french fighter pilot when i eat dark meat i have red wine." She nods and they embarce again. She tell him lower, lower. Piere quickly grabs a bottle of grain alchohol and pours it on her lap, then throws a lit match at here. She screams " WHAT are you doing!!!!!!!) Piere sat " I am Piere the french fighter pilot when I go down I go down in flames."

I don't know? Works for him, haha

[Su'ulMorda]

Moi, je ne le comprends pas...

[Xylenix]

If love is blind, why is lingere so popular??

[Morte]

Think of it as gift wrapping.

[Dravlon]

OOOOHHH gift wrapping got to love it.

[Xylenix]

Sounds yummy!
A girl goes up to a guy in a bar and asks "Do you wanna play magic??" so he replies "What's that?" she says "We go to my house, have sex, then you dissapear!"

[BelDragos]

A man and a woman go out on a blind date and they end up at a lake in the middle of nowhere making out. As things get hotter she stops him and says "I'm sorry. I should've told you earlier that I'm a hooker. If you want to continue you have to give me $50."

The guy grudging gives up the money and they continue.

Afterwards while they are smoking he turns to her and says "I should've told you sooner that I was a cab driver. It's going to cost you $75 to get back home."

[Indigo]

My favorite joke right now is in jpg.. sorry if this offends any republicans out there.. but I though it was hilarious personally:)

http://www.ypt.org/pkatt/jpg/CuriousGeorge.jpg

[Xylenix]

Tee-hee that's cute!!

[Kintoun]

Hahahah o man that cruel, but good stuff =)

[Kymeri mac An Iolar]

That was funny

[Indigo]

*bows* Ok now who knows another joke?

[Indigo]

Ok since I seem to have stopped this thread cold.. let me try another one on you... this one is bad:) But I figured fair is fair:)

A Marine colonel, on his way home from work at the Pentagon, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He noticed a police office walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replied, "The ex-president is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. We're taking up a collection for him

Oh really? How much do you have so far?"

About three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[BelDragos]

Funny

I like it.

[UBIK]

hahahaha!

[Dogmeat]

someone said something about necromancy, and this is a joke thread so...

"'Chapter Fifteen, Elementary Necromancy'", she read out loud. "'Lesson One: Correct Use of Shovel...'"

In the book Jingo by Terry Pratchett :)

Well not a joke but a quote. So sue me.

[BelDragos]

Three mothers were talking about their daughters one day. The redhead says,"I went through my daughters room today and found a pack of cigerettes. I didn't know she smoked."
"That's nothing," said the brunett, "I went through my daughters room today and found a bottle of burbon. I didn't know she was drinking."
The blond turned to the other two and said,"I went through my daughters room today and found a box of condoms. I didn't know my daughter had a penis."

[Kintoun]

LOLOLOL nice Bel and Indigo, keep em coming! I never hear jokes that much nemore.

[BelDragos]

I heard this one on the radio today.


How does a hillbilly tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there is a place for his tongue, it's a cow.


I know, it's really gross but it's the worst joke I heard today.

At least it's not tasteless.....EEEW!!!

[Indigo]

LOL that was bad:)


Heres one my mom sent me today:)



READ CAREFULLY AND READ COMPLETELY!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake man are you listening?!?!) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from you mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk..

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart next time you're making love.
Send send send send send................

In case you are a blonde, this is a joke

[Xylenix]

LOL

[Dravlon]

that was pretty funny

[Kintoun]

LOL nasty stuff Bel! Heh I rememeber having that e-mail sent to me b4 Indigo. Pretty funny too. Gawd I hate chain letters and emails. Like someone over ICQ told all the Arcanity community about how Microsoft bought ICQ or something? I ended up getting a ICQ msg from almost everyone in my Arcanity ICQ list -_-. Did I pass that on? Heh, of course not.

[Indigo]

my favorite icq myth... I get it at least once a month.

Icq is cleaning up their db and if you dont send this message to your entire list within 3 days your number may be deleted. YA RIGHT..

I dont have another joke yet:P

[Xylenix]

I get that one periodically too...

[Indigo]

ARTHUR DAVIDSON, OF THE HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE CORP., DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN. AT THE GATES, ST. PETER TOLD ARTHUR, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GOOD MAN AND YOUR MOTORCYCLES HAVE CHANGED THE WORLD, YOUR REWARD IS, YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ANYONE YOU WANT IN HEAVEN.
ARTHUR THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SAID, " I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH GOD." ST. PETER TOOK ARTHUR TO THE THRONE ROOM, AND INTRODUCED HIM TO GOD.
ARTHUR THEN ASKED GOD, " HEY, AREN'T YOU THE INVENTOR OF WOMAN?"
GOD SAID, " AH, YES."
" WELL," SAID ARTHUR, " PROFESSIONAL TO PROFESSIONAL, YOU HAVE SOME MAJOR FLAWS IN YOUR INVENTION."

1. THERE'S TOO MUCH INCONSISTENCY IN THE FRONT END PROTRUSION.
2. IT CHATTERS CONSTANTLY AT HIGH SPEEDS.
3. MOST OF THE REAR ENDS ARE TOO SOFT AND WOBBLE TOO MUCH.
4. THE INTAKE IS PLACED WAY TO CLOSE TO THE EXHAUST. AND FINALLY,
5. THE MAINTENANCE COSTS ARE OUTRAGEOUS.

" HMMMMMM, YOU MAY HAVE SOME GOOD POINTS THERE," REPLIED GOD," HOLD ON." GOD WENT TO HIS CELESTIAL SUPER COMPUTER, TYPED IN A FEW WORDS AND WAITED FOR THE RESULTS. THE COMPUTER PRINTED OUT A SLIP OF PAPER AND GOD READ IT.
" WELL, IT MAY BE TRUE THAT MY INVENTION IS FLAWED," GOD SAID TO ARTHUR, " BUT ACCORDING TO THESE NUMBERS, MORE PEOPLE ARE RIDING MY INVENTION THAN YOURS."

[UBIK]

hahahahaha! thats great!

[Kintoun]

heh heh good one

[BelDragos]

That one is FUNNY!!!!!

[Dravlon]

That was so funny i don't know what to say

[Dogmeat]

Good one. Are the caps necessary, though? :)

[Kintoun]

LOL howabout some more jokes here instead of praise?

[Dogmeat]

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A guy fell into a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute, but can you really breathe through it?

This is the BAD jokes thread after all.

[Talka]

Let's see... these are not that funny but, here are some saying, mixed with some jokes.

"Common sense isn't"

"Have you ever noticed that if you scream "Agggghhhhh!" in a librbary, everybody looks at you, but if you yell it in an aeroplane, everybody joins in?"

"One in five people are Chinese. That means somebody in my family is chinese. Its not mum or dad. I think its Colin, but it might be Ho-cha-chao."

"If at first you don't succed, call in an airstrike."

"Explsovies and knives are good substitutes for persuasive arguments."

"I've notcied that the poeple that are late are a lot jolier then the people waiting for them."

Sure these all suck, but this is a bad jokes thread..

--Talka

[Xylenix]

Being an Air Cadet, these seemed particulairly funny to me!

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless
you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually
watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the
plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small
probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before
you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground
going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport,
and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

[Xylenix]

As well, if at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you...

[BelDragos]

SPLAT!!!

[Dogmeat]

Indeed.

"Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life"